“Wives submit to your husbands! Wives submit! Obey your husbands!” I heard that a lot in various sermons preachd by different men. I am in agreement with wives submitting to their husbands.

However, I understand that it does not stop at “Wives submit.” When I read Ephesians chapter 5, I see the complete picture; not just “wives submit.” Studying the word of God showed me that some of the teachings I heard were very unbalanced.

The preachers were skewing it. They were putting a lot of pressure on women and taking emphasis off of men. This type of manipulation doesn’t measure up to the godly masculinity Jesus Christ modeled.

What if the Bible command was to wives to love the husbands as Christ loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR THE CHURCH?

Would these same preachers who berate women about submission be berating the husbands about submission, while letting women off the hook pretty much?

Or would they focus on letting husbands off the hook, while doing mock sacrifices, giving wives cross-nailing lessons? Would they have wives hanging from trees to practice dying for their husbands, like Christ died for the church?

Unlike chauvinist preachers, I am shedding light on the balanced word of God concerning headship and submission. It is very important to study the word of God for ourselves. There is still too much silence when it comes to addressing abuse and false teachings in churches.

The husband is called to lead, to initiate in righteousness and in love. I say initiate, based on the example Jesus Christ set. When it comes to Jesus and mankind, the man is the pursuer, works for, and wins over the one he desires.

This is what ladies should look out for before marriage when they meet a man. In the animal kingdom, the male pursues and impresses the female. If she approves, he wins her over.

The command for the husband is to love. Some men are focused on God’s command to the wife to submit. “Head” does not mean the husband is better than, or is in a position of greater importance.

Do men not have to submit?

Despite minimal acknowledgement of men’s submission within some religious groups, husbands are also supposed to submit. They submit to Jesus Christ as their head, and to the needs of others, including their wife’s. Ephesians 5: 21; 1 Peter 5: 5. The commandment to husbands is also to love. Ephesians 5: 25-33 shows he submits in an even greater way, in that he is laying his life down to love her and meet her needs.

A man submits in such a way because he is under the authority of his head, Jesus Christ. God has commanded for him to love his wife in that way. When he submits selflessly to her needs, he is not submitting because she has authority over him. He is submitting out of obedience to God and love for his wife.

“Husbands love your wives and be not bitter against them.” Colossians 3:19

Some men are far more preoccupied with a woman’s submission than their own, and than them loving her correctly.

In fact, I have observed that for some men, the focus seems to be not only on the woman’s duty to submit. Some men seem to see this as a license to sin against their wife. Their reference is where the Bible tells a wife how to respond to a husband that is not obeying the word.

Bible literacy and acceptance of Bible truth is crucial. Each person must do their part regardless of what the other spouse is doing.

• It is good for the husband and wife to know the Word of God concerning their spouses. It is not up to either spouse to try to make their spouse do what God commands them to do.

• 1 Peter 3: 1-6 is speaking to the wives, not husbands. It is to the wives, to encourage and command them to do what is right, no matter what. This way, they stay right before God.

• It is common in some churches to see cowardice. There is running from accountability and responsibility, while blaming and focusing on the woman.

• Some of the men acknowledge what a woman is supposed to do in response to the husband’s sin. They emphasize this moreso than they focus on the husband is to do right in the first place.

• I have noticed people using the fact that the Bible addresses wives first to submit, before addressing husbands to love. They imply that God is placing more responsibility on the wife than on her husband.

• The implication is that this order in the commands suggests a wife’s obedience to God is more important than her husband’s obedience to God.

NO! When someone comes under authority, this means they have moved into a place of submission. When someone is submitted to their lover, their provider- how can the person provide things to them when they have not submitted themselves to receive them?

The Bible is telling the man to love her as Christ loved the church. She needs to submit to receive that.

Examine the commands: The Bible says, “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands.”

The next command is, “Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” The clear commands given are for the wife to submit, and for the husband to selflessly love. Those are the commands.

• It is not that the wife is to submit first, in order for her husband to love her as a reward for submitting.

This is not the example Jesus Christ set in how He loves the church. Jesus Christ is the initiator. We love Him because He FIRST loved us. 1 John 4: 19-21.

I am not saying a wife has to wait for her husband to do right before she does right; she shouldn’t. I am pointing out the distorted portrayal of God’s word that spiritual abusers tend to present. They sometimes neglect to provide an accurate analogy concerning Jesus and the church, and the husband and wife.

A wife submits, cooperating with God and her husband. When a wife submits, she is able to receive her husband’s love and provision. She is receptive. A wife should cooperate with her husband as he obeys God’s command to love her.

The Bible tells us, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12: 19-21.

The husband does not have a ticket out of this. He is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, whether she is submissive or not.

God’s full truth is balanced.

I bring attention to this because I grew up around one-sided teachings. I am pointing out the beautiful balance of the holy word of God. This fact that husbands are to love regardless is also something that false teachers and spiritual abusers did not point out and emphasize. However, they were repetitive to point out that wives submit, even if their husbands are not loving and are disobedient to the word of God!

When we study the word of God, we can see balance and fairness. Both the husband and wife are to do right, regardless of whether or not their spouse is doing right.

Jesus set that example when he died for us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5: 8). The Bible clearly commands us to not be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good. Headship does not give the husband a ticket out of this! Ideally, he would pioneer in modeling these righteous examples.

When some men are asked what their role as a husband is, many respond, “To lead.” First, since they are to lead, why not lead in righteousness? Lead in love? Some men want to take a back seat to doing what’s right, while emphasizing 1 Peter 3: 1-6 for the wives.

How is a godly husband supposed to lead?

The actual command to husbands is for them to love their wives. Some men seem more comfortable focusing on leading. How the godly man is to lead is in righteous love.

I understand that a husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church in order to lead her, instead of leading her in order to love her.

This is how a husband is supposed to lead: He loves his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. He lives a holy and righteous example before his wife and washes her with the word. He shouldn’t be causing her to stumble by unholy, unloving, or abusive actions.

He is to love and protect her emotionally, love her spiritually, as well as physically. It is his obligation to address any sin that he sees in her life. The truth of the matter is, there are people who will not accept godly headship and godly submission in true context.

I believe these are some reasons why people do not accept the true, Biblical principles of headship and submission:

1) Righteous leadership by holy example, love, sacrifice, servitude, and responsibility does not appeal to a chauvinist.

2) Contrarily, domination, control, abuse, or illusion of superiority are quite appealing to the chauvinist. By the way, many chauvinists are religious.

3) I believe some men simply do not like God’s design when it comes to the true context of husbands and wives in their roles.

4) Because of this, some have twisted the Bible, fabricated their own meanings and applied them accordingly in life.

5) Women often are involved in relationships with unloving and demeaning men. They have often been targeted with gender bias, abuse, and discrimination.

6) Consequently, some women have a hard time with the concept of male headship.

7) Submission has been twisted and distorted. Some men have abused their authority. Some women cannot imagine God would require them to submit to a man or such abuse. They reject God’s design.

8) Some men have falsely implied that having authority over someone is synonymous with having greater value.

9) Women are more likely to reject the idea of their husbands having authority over them if they believe authority implies women are inferior. They understand that they are not inferior.

In spite of wishful thinking or tradition, we have the word of God that tells us how we are to live our lives. Please note, knowledge of a husband’s role is never a reason for a wife to fail to obey God when her husband fails.

Bible knowledge helps a woman have the correct standards before marriage so that she can be prudent in her choice of spouse. Each person is responsible and will answer to God for their obedience or lack thereof.