Why do many women believe they can change a man? Why not go for the kind of men they desire in the first place, instead of settling for someone different, then hoping and dreaming of changing him? Some women put themselves out to be burned over and over again. This can lead to bitterness.

One thing I want to make sure I am free of is unforgiveness. If I am unforgiving, it is a heavy burden to me and can lead to bitterness and even hatred. These negative emotions could cause me to mistreat others and would be a huge stumbling block for me, both spiritually and otherwise. It is no wonder the Bible tells us to put away such destructive things.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” Ephesians 4: 31- 32.

We must forgive. When we don’t, it paves the way for a life of bitterness, anger, and mistreatment of others.

• Everyone gets hurt at some point in their lives. Forgiveness is mandatory.

• First, God commands us to forgive one another (Matthew 6: 15).

• Secondly, forgiveness is freeing.

• Unforgiveness is unfortunately very common among people-even among professing Christians. Pain, hurt, and anger must be properly dealt with.

As pertains to some men, they do not confront their issues, but carry pain and anger around with them throughout their lives. These negative emotions continue to build and fester. Meanwhile, many are able to marry zealous women and start families, while they are in this toxic condition.

Marry wisely for the sake of your children too!

Some women marry men who bring unaddressed pain, anger and bitterness into the marriages. Some men marry women who do the same. The broken men often target their wives as a result of their pain. Deep-rooted bitterness and hostility, specifically from some men toward women is very common.

It is not something that should be taken lightly, if a woman detects this while dating or in a courtship. Lots of women have married bitter men who are not healed, and aren’t seeking healing. Their brokeneness manifests not only in the poor way they treat their wives, but the way they treat others in general. This includes how they treat others within the immediate family. This can affect generations of people to come.

These men are dealing with pain, unforgiveness, bitterness, and they need healing. Some women are the same way. Although I am sympathetic, can pray for someone and be a blessing to them, I cannot change or fix them. They are responsible for pursuing change, healing and growth.

I am bringing attention to this topic, because it is common for some women to hope for the best, while ignoring red flags or stop signs, only to proceed into marriages with promiscuous or bitter, hostile men. Sometimes, these women and their families suffer for the duration of their marriages.

Beware of believing someone truly knows the Lord because they practice habitual church going and other religious routines.

• Some men who are womanizers or who have contempt for women and general unaddressed issues identify themselves as Christians, and are faithful church goers.

• Some of these men look for Christian wives at church, at church functions, and in other places.

These men may be victims of their earthly father’s or parent’s neglect and or abuse. Plenty boys grow up having been taught not to express themselves or show “weakness.” This means that some men do not know how to, and have not addressed their human emotions in a healthy way. It also means some men end up with pent-up anger, hurt, and rage, but don’t properly seek help.

Whatever the case may be, wives or girlfriends are one of the most common targets for their men’s misplaced, pent-up anger and bitterness. Perhaps, the men do not have bitterness and anger problems.

Yet, they may be liars, cheaters, lazy, or general frauds. Either way, some Christian women fall into the trap of marrying religious men who do not actually know the Lord. Christian women must be careful, prayerful, and discerning not to miss the red flags before marriage.

A woman can influence a man, but she cannot change him.

– Although women can be very instrumental in influencing men, we cannot change men.

– It is not our job to change men. 

– It is God’s job to change men. The men must be willing to admit they have the problems, be willing to submit to God, and be willing to allow God to change them.

While some women may blame themselves, try to fix their men and appease them by putting their necks out, some men tend to blame others. They deflect, avoid making positive change, and seek to protect their egos and images.

A woman married to a man like this is in a very, very difficult situation. If she is married and is a Christian, top priority is to do right before God as a godly wife. If it is earlier on, and she catches it during engagement, at least she has the option to change her mind about marrying him, if necessary.

Sometimes, a husband will not change when his wife is suffering, as long as he is still comfortable. He changes when/ if he becomes uncomfortable enough to change.

This is one reason why it is so important to remember to never enter a marriage while seeing major problems beforehand. It is not wise to assume that a husband will change or that he will even want to change.

A painful truth some women realize early after or decades into their marriages is that their husband still has not changed for the better, but has gotten worse. Yet, sadly, many women saw some of the same problems before marriage.

They had red flags, but wished or imagined they would disappear after marriage. That is not how it works! The best thing for a woman to do is only marry someone who she will be able to enjoy and remain in peace with, regardless of whether or not he changes.

If a woman asks herself the question, “Could I deal with being married to this man if he never changes?” If the answer is no, then she should not marry him.

As much as possible, Christian women should go for who they are looking for according to holy standards; not settle for less, thinking their men will change later. Short of a miracle, grown men typically will not change. Please, please, please, never believe you can change a man. Only God can change him.

A Christian woman is to hold a man accountable to righteousness and set boundaries accordingly, before becoming too involved with him. It is up to the man to attack his problems at the roots.

The same goes for a woman; a man or woman’s problems must be dealt with at the roots, in order for deliverance and healing to take place. The root of the problem must be dealt with for real change to happen and for fruits of righteousness to be produced.