Feeling hungry for love and devalued after years of spiritual abuse and female degredation, I began a search for validation. I desired to be loved and accepted for who I was. I wanted to be valued, appreciated; not just tolerated, accused, and used.

Within the religious circles I was exposed to, there was a lot of contempt and hostility toward women. I could not even depend on self-proclaimed men of God to love and respect women the way they ought to. I thought maybe I should look for love elsewhere-out in the world. I wasn’t sure how much I even wanted to have to do with God. I wanted to obey Him and keep His commandments. At the same time, God seemed so oppressive and hostile, especially towards women.

I ventured out into the world looking for fulfillment with men who were not followers of Jesus Christ.

I just couldn’t connect with God properly. I had no real relationship with God at the time, and didn’t know how to have one. I still felt drawn to Him; I didn’t know that He loved and valued me as much as anyone else. However, I decided that I would do things my way at that point. I thought perhaps there was a gentleman out in the world who would be kind and appreciate me as a woman. Surely, I could find love. I wanted it.

It is a God-given desire to love others, to want to be loved and for some, the desire to have a spouse and children. It is an innate desire. There’s nothing wrong with desiring love, as long as we do not make idols out of our desires. No one and nothing should take priority over God. God is love. People often look for love in the wrong places.

I was no exception. I went through a season of spending time with various men in a quest for love and satisfaction. I lived in rebellion. During this time I drank, partied, did not go to church often, or read my Bible much. None of my endeavors truly satisfied me. I became more depressed. I knew that none of the men were going to be my husband-even the ones that thought we should get married. They were not following the Lord, and although I was not living a godly life at the time, I knew I wanted to serve the Lord eventually, and I desired a godly man.

Regardless, I had been passing the time with fleshy indulgence as a substitute for true satisfaction and validation. The men I was involved with had many of the same issues I will be discussing, such as womanizing, hostility, chauvinist views, selfishness, anger, feelings of inadequacy, etc. I learned over time that putting God on the back burner in my priorities, and searching for fulfillment in men was simply not going to work!

I believe one reason the desire for a man can become an idol for some women is because it starts out with us being conditioned as girls to feel as if we are less than somehow; secondary, and that we need approval from men. Women often define themselves by their relationships with men.

If girls and women are tricked into believing that men are primary in value and have superior worth, it is understandable that some women may believe they become worthy themselves, when and if men approve of and desire them. I believe this is a reason some girls and women are hostile toward, envy, and compete against each other in their quest for men’s attention.

Idolatry of boys and men pits girls and women against each other.

Men have been leaders, so they have historically been the ones to most influence “norms” in society with unfair, unbiblical, ways of thinking. Women have gone along with them. I have taken note that many toxic ways of thinking that originated long ago are mainly advantageous for men, and largely disadvantageous for women.

As for my own experience, I had heard Bible teachings that were out of context and although unknown to me at the time, they were downright false. These sermons seemed to further confirm my sad status as a low down female. However, it was perplexing to me as I observed what goes on in the world…how could men be better than women?

I saw how the very people who seemed to be more lawless and ruthless (some men) were deemed better than and held less accountable to behave themselves, than women were. I could not understand it. At the same time, I, as well as many other girls, was being conditioned to be “good enough” for men by acting, looking, and talking in a way that was supposed to please them.

Through false doctrine, movies and fairytales, some girls are conditioned to idolize the idea of a man’s love, and to value themselves based on male approval and acceptance.

Many boys were also being failed. I used to think they were getting off the hook and had it easier. I did not fully realize that it was to their detriment that they were being raised to get around the rules. Plenty boys have been conditioned to believe that what makes them real men is to be physically strong, to make money, and be emotionally “strong” enough not to cry or show “weakness.”

Sadly, being told not to cry causes some boys to bottle up their negative emotions without a healthy outlet, then they may explode later in life. Many boys are conditioned to compete and win by all means, and to gain approval and respect by performance. What many also learn is the wrong ideology that a man’s sexual experiences is a vital part of his achievements, that make him a “real” man.

Although real achievement is necessary, and healthy competition is good, many boys do not learn the balanced, right way. They are often programmed in a distorted, ungodly way. The problem lies in what is perceived and taught by society to be the meaning of true masculinity, real success, and real achievement.

At the core of success, and really all there is to success, is our right relationship with God.

The Bible tells us in Matthew 6: 33, “But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things will be added to you.” I am to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added. When God is our priority and our motive is right, everything else falls into place.

There has often been a problem in the way boys are trained. There is more to life than competing and winning and looking out for oneself. There is this thing called relationship, first and foremost with Jesus Christ, and in addition, healthy relationship with others. Boys should have been taught this more often.

Boys are often failed, not effectively taught good morals and are failed by not being taught how to relate properly to others. Perhaps, some fathers are confused, and don’t see the importance of boys knowing how to have healthy relationships with others.

Boys are sometimes not taught or shown how to respect, love, and cherish the female gender. Often, they are not verbally instructed, but also are not taught by the actions of their father and other men around them. There is more than one way that a man fails to show his sons how to properly treat women. This can be by taking no action at all to teach them, or by taking the wrong actions; by improper demonstration.

Some husbands/ fathers are not kind to their wife, and do not properly love and cherish her. They may be downright cruel, or they may be passive, neglectful, or absent. There are also husbands/fathers that are unloving, mean, and various kinds of abusive. They are teaching their sons and daughters by demonstration.

Some fathers instruct their sons with emphasis on values regarded by society as important to masculinity, such as material provision. However, they may not emphasize moral integrity and the importance of healthy, loving relationships.

Some fathers instruct their sons mainly on aspects of the Bible that they are comfortable acknowledging. This includes a man providing materially, leading his household, and instructing their sons not to physically abuse women. Even some Christian fathers do not tell their sons the full truth, and do not live it themselves.

Some men are neglectful in word and deed when it comes to teaching their sons to love, respect, and value women, according to scripture.

Mothers are often too passive in this regard as well, but fathers really need to be the main ones who show their sons how to be a man and how to treat a woman. Please understand I am not out to attack or criticize people. I have observed these things. I examine attitudes and behaviors in light of God’s character and His Holy Word. I’m pointing out some reasons why I believe both men and women think and act in ways that are harmful. These ideologies and behaviors often do not honor God, and result in dysfunctional relationships.

We see so many messed up men and women because it starts in the homes, where children are not properly raised.

Girls are often being conditioned in such a way that they don’t value themselves. Some women idolize men and are willing to tolerate the antics of untrained, dysfunctional men who do not value them.

Sadly, some women don’t seem to understand that they are fine just the way God made them. It is unfortunate that some women don’t value themselves enough outside of their relationships with men. It is no surprise that some women’s main objective revolves around having and keeping a man. This is a recipe for disaster! It is one reason why men and women’s relationships in particular tend to be so disastrous.

Some men and women unfortunately view each other as opponents.

• God’s plan is for the relationship between Christ and the church to be reflected in the relationship between a husband and his wife. Ephesians 5: 22 -33.

• God commands all people to love one another.

• Marriage is supposed to be a respectful, loving, God-glorifying union.

• For this reason, the enemy is very busy destroying marriages.

One way he does this is by confusing and deceiving little boys and girls at a young age. They carry their dysfunctionality into adulthood. The fact is, no one is able to do life correctly without following the blueprint- the Word of God. It is life’s hard lessons that best help to teach us that the only way that works is God’s way.