Did you ever hear false teaching about the roles of the husband and wife, particularly on headship and submission? Have you ever seen the mis-application of headship and submission? Godly headship does not mean superiority, abuser, tyrant, controller, user, etc. Headship is about servitude and responsibility.

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” Ephesians 5: 25-28. 

From this passage, it shows the husband who obeys God is a source of righteous love, a holy example, washing his wife with the word, providing for her in all ways. He is the head. The godly wife of a husband such as this will flourish in righteousness, along with her husband, instead of inspite of him. I previously did not have full understanding of the Bible as it pertains to submission and headship.

Never does the Bible imply that the husband is to control the wife or to mistreat her.

It never suggests in any way that being the head of the wife means he is better than, or more important than her.

• It is by God’s design that the husband is head of the wife. There is a need for this, because God is a God of order; not chaos.

• The husband has been given this position of responsibility and servitude to represent Jesus Christ in the marriage, in the way he relates to his wife.

• The only way a man can fulfill this role correctly is to fully submit in obedience to his head, Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit empowers a man to love his wife correctly.

Is a husband head of his wife because he’s more competent than her because he is a man? No. Headship and submission has nothing to do with personal competence, or personal importance. The husband and wife relationship is to reflect the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. God has ordained and assigned men and women in their roles.

Neither role is superior or inferior; they are just different.

The husband and wife cannot in their own strength fulfill their God-given duties and roles correctly. It is God who empowers each to be obedient to Him in carrying out His will in their perspective roles. It takes a transformed person who has fully surrendered to the lordship of Jesus Christ to be able to obey God’s commands and fulfill His will in marriage and in all other regards.

Selfishness has no place in marriage and is not a component of godly headship. Ideally, a husband puts God first, and his wife’s needs before his own. The husband is to submit to the needs of others, including his wife’s. Everyone should have a selfless, accommodating attitude.

“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” Ephesians 5: 21.

“Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5

“Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” Phillipians 2: 2-3. 

People in general are to be selfless and humble. It is about God’s will and God’s way. The people of God are to be united in God’s will. It is about love, unity in Christ, and unity in love. The husband accommodating his wife and complying to her needs and desires does not mean he is giving up his leadership position. To love is the way to lead.

I’ve observed that some men are panicky and obsessive about authority. Not only do they try to control or force others with it, but they seem paranoid someone is challenging their authority.

A husband’s authority is not for him to idolize or abuse.

His authority is not meant for him to demand his way or to be selfish, but his authority is the authority to lead by example, to lead in ensuring God’s will is done, and to selflessly serve, as he submits to Jesus Christ. A husband’s authority is to be utilized only according to what God has authorized.

Some men feel inadequate and are broken. Consequently, they view leadership accordingly. Their warped perception of authority pacifies them, making them feel sufficient, even superior. Some are obsessed with authority, but understand it out of context.

I was previously exposed to religious abusers who were very cruel, harsh, and berating toward women. The way they presented a wife’s submission to her husband was almost like a child/ parent relationship or slave/ master relationship.

The difference between a man’s submission to his wife’s needs and her submission to him in everything, is his responsibility before God. He is held responsible by God for the decisions that are made. 

A marriage that has two heads would not work out well, in particular, when there is disagreement!

When a husband and wife cannot agree on something, and the man understands that God is leading him to do something, he has to obey God, whether his wife agrees or not. A wife should be understanding and compliant to this.

A born again, Spirit-filled couple should both be able to have clarity through prayer, as the Spirit speaks. The husband shouldn’t be saying God told him one thing, and the wife saying God told her something else on the same matter.

It is so important for a woman to marry in the Lord, to a husband she can trust. I believe it is nearly impossible to be able to peacefully submit to a man that you cannot trust. When the trust is there, but the couple does not agree, the wife understands the decisions her husband makes are to please God, and the husband is doing right to the best of his ability on her behalf as well as others.

Yet, he is to include his wife on decision-making, as his helpmeet. He is to honor her as a fellow heir of the grace of life, putting her needs before his own, but keeping God first. There should be an attitude of selflessness with both the husband and wife.

These facts bring balance and beauty to godly headship and godly submission. A chauvinist is concerned with power, dominance, and control, so it makes sense that he cannot accept the true context of headship and submission.

When examined and understood correctly, we see that headship is about responsibility and servitude.

It is not a ticket to demand one’s way or push others around. It is not a ticket out of the commandments or a license to break them. A leader should be the one setting the right examples for others. Headship is the authority to serve. It is the responsibility to pioneer in righteousness, and be accountable to God in doing so.

It seems that some (certainly not all) religious men are just looking for a position of power, an easy life convenient for themselves, while giving orders and pointing the finger at the wife to shape up. This goes completely against the gospel, and the example that Jesus Christ Himself set. If a husband is passive, this also goes against the example Jesus Christ set.

God holds the man responsible for doing what is right in His sight as he leads. This includes the man’s responsibility to love and cherish God’s daughter, the way God has commanded him to.

• The godly husband should be providing for his wife, loving and cherishing her, and allowing her to utilize her God-given insights, gifts, and talents.

• The godly husband and wife should always remember that their spouse is a child of God before they are a spouse. It is important to treat the son or daughter of God correctly.

A husband is to love his wife, and give honor to her as unto the weaker vessel. He is to be gentle and considerate. He is not to take advantage of her or be harsh with her. If he is not dealing with his wife correctly, his prayers will be hindered.

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” 1 Peter 3: 7.

It is not good to have prayers hindered at any time, and certainly not while being the responsible leader who needs God’s guidance and will be held accountable for decisions made.

Some of the Bible verses addressing husbands are neglected within certain religious groups.

The verses religious misogynists tend to neglect do not appeal to a selfish, power-loving agenda. Some of the men are about control, while at the same time running from the seriousness of their responsibility and accountability before God.

The husband and wife roles are a reflection of Christ and the church.

• The husband is not the savior of his wife the same way that Jesus is her Savior. However, he is to relate to her the way that Jesus Christ relates to the church. (Ephesians 5 :22 -24).

• Loving his wife as Christ loved the church means that the husband should be a type of savior to his wife; selflessly loving her, helping her in spiritual growth, providing for her, protecting her, washing her in the word.

• The husband should be living a Christ-like, righteous example before his wife and cherishing her- not abusing his authority, abusing her, or destroying her.

• The husband is not perfect. However, the godly husband should be a holy, loving, sacrificial leader. He shouldn’t be harmful to his wife.

I have heard so many one-sided teachings about a woman’s submission. Teachings were without proper acknowledgement and clarification of godly headship, and the true meaning of submission. Seems those particular men wanted to distract from their duties, and mainly emphasize what a woman is supposed to do.

Ladies, it is very important to be armed with God’s truth and live according to His Word. It is very important to set the same high, holy standards for a man.

Some men view God’s command to wives to submit to their husbands as if it is a command to the husbands to enforce their wives’ submission.

This is not what submission means! A person submitting means that with their free will, they cooperate with the other. The wife is to willfully and joyfully comply with her husband’s leadership without coercion or any control tactics.

It is hard for a husband to focus on God’s command for him to love, when he is too busy trying to make sure his wife obeys God on his own behalf. There are certainly loving husbands out there who truly love and serve God, honor and selflessly love their wives. I believe it is these types of husbands who do not try to force a wife’s submission, but instead are preoccupied with being holy themselves and loving her as Christ loves the church.

When a husband needs to address his wife about sin, he should do so. The godly husband should be assertive and attentive about his wife’s spiritual growth and wellness. I think it is so beautiful how God designed it. God’s ways are perfect!

If you have not read my post about the godly submission of a woman to her husband, read Godly Submission Is Respect, Love, And Cooperation