The question, “Where’s your man?” has been used as a weapon against plenty women. “Where yo man at?” It has been an effective weapon against probably just as many women. It has caused some women to feel bad about single status and some resort to compromising their values so that they can be in a relationship. “Where her man at?” is what some say to, or about women in what seems like disdain.

As if to mock or taunt them for being single. It is actually quite easy to have a boyfriend or husband. What’s not as easy as having quantity in attainable men is to find quality men. Sometimes, when a woman is outspoken against certain behaviors or patterns, or has high standards, the response from some others is, “Where her man at?” At other times, responses are that she is too picky.

• According to some, a woman with reasonable standards is too fussy, too picky, and that’s why she is single.

• But when a woman ends up with an abusive man or cheater, they say she should have chosen better!

Women can’t seem to win sometimes. I realize just how powerfully effective this question “Where’s your man?” has been for some women. It seems to put some of them into a panic. It has manipulated the minds of some women and girls and they feel bad about being single.

I frequently talk about how some women who do not have high enough standards are helping to perpetuate the deficit of decent men. However, there are plenty reasons some women don’t have high enough standards. One of those reasons includes a lack of knowledge in choosing better.

Other reasons include the fact that women are pressured by society to be paired up. Plenty women are treated as if there is something wrong with them for being single. Men are not treated in a similar way for being single. It is clear to me that this is a manipulative tactic double standard used against women to get them to settle for less.

What it boils down to for some women is that they simply don’t want to be without a man and don’t know how to be without a man. These types are pretty much always with someone, no matter what.

This means settling for men who cheat. This means settling for men who don’t love them. It means settling for men who are abusive. It could mean getting into a relationship where there is a parent-child dynamic with the woman being in the parent position or the man being in the parent position. Some women even end up with men who hate women.

Desperation for love is dangerous for a woman (or man). Loneliness can be dangerous also.

If we start out in the first place with enough knowledge and wisdom to have the standards that we should have, often we can avoid many of the toxic situations that can leave us so damaged. I emphasize again that on average, men have not been harassed and made to feel bad about their single status on the level that women have.

If some men and women are swayed by those people who say “Where is your boyfriend?” or “Where is your girlfriend?” Or swayed by those who act like there is something wrong with people for being single, no wonder there are so many dysfunctional and incompatible relationships.

Sometimes, people are settling into the wrong relationships due to pressure from others also. For some, there’s a fear of being alone. There is a fear of the stigma that is attached to being single.

Being single does not mean being a lonely, miserable cat lady.

People use the single and lonely woman with many cats scenario as a joke and to mock and pressure single women as well. Reality is, some couples should never be getting together in the first place. Some women in particular are vulnerable to settling. While some of their male counterparts may desire and miss the sexual component of a relationship when it fails, many of them are not willing to put up with a toxic relationship, just to be in one.

It is dangerous for a woman to fear being single more than she fears almost anything else.

Somehow, some girls and women got tricked into a mindset where they fear being single more than they fear the dangers of being in a toxic relationship. These ladies tend to define themselves by their relationships with men. Fortunately, some are learning differently and unlearning the wrong things that they have learned.

The next time someone says, “Where is your man?” to a woman, I hope she has a relationship with God and is keeping Him first. I hope that the woman knows her individual worth. I pray that she knows God’s love, submits to His will for her life and is content in every season, regardless of her relationship status. It is more important to have the right, safe man than to have a man for the sake of having a man.

“But no one is perfect!” some proclaim.

This states the obvious. My love for a man could never be based in his perfection, because no human is perfect. I am fully aware of this and I do not expect perfection in a man. Obviously, in my relationships, neither of us have been perfect. This does not change the fact that I have rightful and reasonable standards. What sensible person doesn’t?

In different seasons of being single, some people asked me why I was single and told me they didn’t understand why I was single. Some people just cannot fathom that you can be content as a single person- probably and especially, they have a hard time understanding being content as a single woman. There are many women who cannot be content single.

I am all for healthy relationship leading to marriage. However, it is better to marry Mr Right later, than to marry Mr Wrong right now now.

I personally don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody I don’t even like. I become involved with someone on purpose- kingdom purpose.

Otherwise, I have learned contentment. If someone asked me during periods of singleness where my man was and I told them I didn’t have one, this seemed to perplex some. But why?

Being content while single does not mean a woman is not open to the idea of a relationship or that she does not think it would be a great thing to meet the right person. Instead, it is about her being in a state of peace and contentment, enjoying each season, regardless of her relationship status. As long as things happen in God’s way and in God’s time…friends, that is what matters most.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Phillipines 4: 6 (NLT).